What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 06:34
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were not on the streets..
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I will be 64.
I have no regrets .
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is soul school!.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What is the difference in doing a hot rail and just smoking a bowl?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What melts your heart every time without fail?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We all went to grammer schools
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She loved him until the end.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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And i lived it daily.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
I write beautiful poetry .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Would this be the day?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So whats the point in blame.
I said to her
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But, we were locked up after school.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She married twice! .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
He knew the spot.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When she asked me how she looked .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It was going to be , some day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot live in the past .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What did i know ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was 9 years of age.
Who then, do I blame.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But ive been too sick for many years..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She found it foreign!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was scared of men, in general
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Put me off passion for life!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I don,t even have a pension.